Dating Advice

Written by Australia's best dating coaches

Perfume and Attraction

By Sylwia Koricka

The main criticism of online dating is its superficial nature. Both men and women will mainly focus on physical attractiveness and judge the rest of the profile accordingly. In other words, if you are attractive, collecting stamps will be much more interesting if you do it rather than someone less physically appealing.

However, is it that simple? If so, why do we sometimes go on a date with somebody gorgeous and within minutes, if not seconds, we realize there is no ‘sparkle’ and definitely no future with the beautiful creature sitting at the other side of the table?

The answer lies in how Mother Nature equipped us with compatibility detectors, existence of which we usually have no clue of! It is true that physical attractiveness, reflected in such dimensions as body proportions or facial symmetry, is a rather effective predictor of good physical health and therefore, suitability for forming partnership. Yet, there are also other dimensions to attractiveness going way beyond beauty or personality; it is your smell.

Research in neuroscience shows that women have superior sense to smell, which is reflected in the fact that women are heavily affected by how men smell. And although men rely more on visual characteristics, it has been shown that men with no sense of smell (asomia) have lesser sexual relationships than their healthy counterparts.

That’s right. Our bodies talk on our behalf using language of aromas and decide for us whether we like someone or not. If you use a pleasant perfume people around you will react to you in a more positive way and that is important for social interactions. In sphere of intimate relationships what is crucial is your natural body odour and pheromones. We still know little on the role of pheromones and whether spraying yourself with pheromones will make your date crazy about you, we know that natural body odour is what counts.

Again, women are more sensitive to detecting appropriate life partners, yet it has to be mentioned that this is not true of women using contraceptive pill. The pill changes hormonal environment that allows for the proper detection of suitable partners. So, if you are thinking about marrying “the one”, get off the pill for a while just in to be sure your eyes and your nose are on the same page.

If you feel insanely attracted to another person and find the smell intoxicating- congratulations, you have just found a perfectly compatible mate that will provide your children with strong immune system. It turns out that we can “smell” so called MHC-genes that relate to immune system and we are attracted to people that have very different MHC-genes. This mix of genes creates a super combo against pathogens, making your prospective kids very lucky.

The attraction ruled by sense of smell explains not only why physically attractive individual looses all the charm once met, but also why a person that we had found vaguely attractive on a picture can suddenly change into the target of our desires. Should you be worried? Of course not! Meet and get to know all kinds of people and your nose will do the rest for you!

 

Are you dating Pinocchio?

By Sylwia Koricka

Dating a liar is definitely one of the worst experiences you may encounter in your search for a meaningful relationship. Because it is so hard to tell whether a person is lying or not you may fall for an idealized version of whomever you were unfortunate enough to meet. Also, because it takes so much time to uncover the lies it robs you of your precious time you could have spent with a person worthy of your company.

If you ever been lied to and had no clue, don’t be too harsh on yourself; even trained investigators cannot always tell whether a person is lying, with 30% of the time being fooled by the deceiver. What is more, it is proven that people who lie often are much better in detecting deceptive cues. Therefore, don’t think of yourself as a blind or a naive person; you most probably are just too honest to expect deception from others and not experienced enough in detecting it.

To avoid future heartache we present you with a list of red flags you should be aware of when dating someone you haven’t had the chance to fully get to know. Large body of research in psychology has found that there are few nonverbal signals of dishonesty, such as:

  1. Too many oh and ahs

Honesty may sometimes be difficult emotionally, but dishonesty is definitely difficult cognitively; liars need more time to construct a convincing story, so they speak slowly and may try to buy their time with interjection of verbal distortions, such as oh or ah. Yet, if this is the only sign you discover, keep in mind that it may also be a signal of nervousness associated with first dates.

  1. Sitting stiffly

Have you ever noticed how people can suddenly freeze when trying to resolve complex issue, solve a math problem or remember where they had left their keys? Because liars have to focus so much on what they are saying they will display similar behaviour allowing you to notice that he/she is focusing a bit too much on conversation that is supposed to be casual and fun.

  1. Higher pitched voice

Psychologists associate raising pitch of your voice with nervousness. Of course, everyone may get anxious when asked about a sensitive topic, however if you suddenly hear your partner changing his voice when telling you what he had done the night before, it may be a sign of him lying.

  1. Too excited

We are not talking about butterflies in stomach that come with a big smile and sparkly eyes… Arousal that should raise your suspicions comes out of fear reflected in physiological cues, such as higher blood pressure, increased heart rate and respiration. Nobody wants to be caught lying that’s why liars are self-aware which may cause them to feel anxious. In the beginning of dating, when you keep physical distance, these cues are difficult to spot, however it is worth remembering them for the later stages of your relationship.

Both men and women alike may lie about themselves to seem more appealing to their date. This may seem innocent at first, yet the more people date and discover what is desirable, the more may they alter how they represent themselves to others and how comfortable with these misrepresentations they will be. The longer history of distorting the truth your partner has, the more difficult it is find out who are you truly dealing with. Yet, keep in mind that pathological liars are an exception to the rule, so don’t use this information to eliminate any prospective partner only because he/she was nervous! These tips on detecting dishonesty may help you understand how a liar’s mind works which will improve your lie detection abilities and protect you from getting involved with someone who doesn’t deserve your trust.

Perfect body= perfect dating?

By Sylwia Koricka

Taking on responsibility for your body’s fitness is extremely important not only for your own mental and physical health, but also it may play a significant role in your personal life. There is a number of reasons for it. You may not realize that, but it is not only the muscles you are building; you are boosting your immune system, improving your mood thanks to release of endorphins (“happiness hormones”) after exercising and you are building up your confidence (yes, it is you who looks so good in the mirror and it is you who has accomplished the set goals with nothing but self-discipline and hard work). You should be proud of yourself!

Yet, how does it help you in dating? Of course, confidence and self-fulfilment coming out of regular exercising are significant factors; who wouldn’t like to date a positive and self-assured individual? However, let’s talk physical attractiveness. After all, you lost all this excess fat, toned your body, never looked better in your life… how much does it really matter in dating?

The truth is attractiveness is a very complex issue. Still, in absence of any significant knowledge on the prospective date, physical appearance is what we all pay most attention to; physical appearance gives us clues on whether the person in question would make a good mate from evolutionary perspective. For instance, hour-glass body type in females signals fertility, while high chest-to-waist ratio in men signals dominance- crucial traits for our ancestors. How does it translate in minds of modern men and women?

Recent research in evolutionary psychology confirms the importance of body fitness and muscularity in perceived attractiveness for both sexes. Moderately muscular and lean men are seen as more desirable, potentially because of the subconscious perception of their strength and their ability to protect loved ones. If you are looking for a stable relationship, no worries; as research indicates, highly muscular men are thought of as being volatile, unable to commit and thus, only appropriate for a short term relationship. This is why women seem to be more accepting of different body types when searching for a long-term partner.

Similarly, for men bodily attractiveness is very important in the initial stages of a romantic relationship. There seem to be more balance between the importance of facial and body attractiveness in case men are considering committing to somebody for a longer period of time.

So what does it all mean? Naturally, maintaining your fitness comes with multifaceted benefits that are highly rewarding. Also, if you are looking for your one and only, it is your personality, chemistry and general compatibility with the person that decides on the success of your personal relationship. Yet, it is undeniable that with your positive attitude, unbounded energy and striking physique you are in the lead in the race for scoring the hottest dates!

We also wrote another article called HOW BEING ACTIVE HELPS YOUR PERSONAL & DATING SUCCESS which may shed some more light on the subject.