Dating Advice

Written by Australia's best dating coaches

Perfume and Attraction

By Sylwia Koricka

The main criticism of online dating is its superficial nature. Both men and women will mainly focus on physical attractiveness and judge the rest of the profile accordingly. In other words, if you are attractive, collecting stamps will be much more interesting if you do it rather than someone less physically appealing.

However, is it that simple? If so, why do we sometimes go on a date with somebody gorgeous and within minutes, if not seconds, we realize there is no ‘sparkle’ and definitely no future with the beautiful creature sitting at the other side of the table?

The answer lies in how Mother Nature equipped us with compatibility detectors, existence of which we usually have no clue of! It is true that physical attractiveness, reflected in such dimensions as body proportions or facial symmetry, is a rather effective predictor of good physical health and therefore, suitability for forming partnership. Yet, there are also other dimensions to attractiveness going way beyond beauty or personality; it is your smell.

Research in neuroscience shows that women have superior sense to smell, which is reflected in the fact that women are heavily affected by how men smell. And although men rely more on visual characteristics, it has been shown that men with no sense of smell (asomia) have lesser sexual relationships than their healthy counterparts.

That’s right. Our bodies talk on our behalf using language of aromas and decide for us whether we like someone or not. If you use a pleasant perfume people around you will react to you in a more positive way and that is important for social interactions. In sphere of intimate relationships what is crucial is your natural body odour and pheromones. We still know little on the role of pheromones and whether spraying yourself with pheromones will make your date crazy about you, we know that natural body odour is what counts.

Again, women are more sensitive to detecting appropriate life partners, yet it has to be mentioned that this is not true of women using contraceptive pill. The pill changes hormonal environment that allows for the proper detection of suitable partners. So, if you are thinking about marrying “the one”, get off the pill for a while just in to be sure your eyes and your nose are on the same page.

If you feel insanely attracted to another person and find the smell intoxicating- congratulations, you have just found a perfectly compatible mate that will provide your children with strong immune system. It turns out that we can “smell” so called MHC-genes that relate to immune system and we are attracted to people that have very different MHC-genes. This mix of genes creates a super combo against pathogens, making your prospective kids very lucky.

The attraction ruled by sense of smell explains not only why physically attractive individual looses all the charm once met, but also why a person that we had found vaguely attractive on a picture can suddenly change into the target of our desires. Should you be worried? Of course not! Meet and get to know all kinds of people and your nose will do the rest for you!

 

Are you dating Pinocchio?

By Sylwia Koricka

Dating a liar is definitely one of the worst experiences you may encounter in your search for a meaningful relationship. Because it is so hard to tell whether a person is lying or not you may fall for an idealized version of whomever you were unfortunate enough to meet. Also, because it takes so much time to uncover the lies it robs you of your precious time you could have spent with a person worthy of your company.

If you ever been lied to and had no clue, don’t be too harsh on yourself; even trained investigators cannot always tell whether a person is lying, with 30% of the time being fooled by the deceiver. What is more, it is proven that people who lie often are much better in detecting deceptive cues. Therefore, don’t think of yourself as a blind or a naive person; you most probably are just too honest to expect deception from others and not experienced enough in detecting it.

To avoid future heartache we present you with a list of red flags you should be aware of when dating someone you haven’t had the chance to fully get to know. Large body of research in psychology has found that there are few nonverbal signals of dishonesty, such as:

  1. Too many oh and ahs

Honesty may sometimes be difficult emotionally, but dishonesty is definitely difficult cognitively; liars need more time to construct a convincing story, so they speak slowly and may try to buy their time with interjection of verbal distortions, such as oh or ah. Yet, if this is the only sign you discover, keep in mind that it may also be a signal of nervousness associated with first dates.

  1. Sitting stiffly

Have you ever noticed how people can suddenly freeze when trying to resolve complex issue, solve a math problem or remember where they had left their keys? Because liars have to focus so much on what they are saying they will display similar behaviour allowing you to notice that he/she is focusing a bit too much on conversation that is supposed to be casual and fun.

  1. Higher pitched voice

Psychologists associate raising pitch of your voice with nervousness. Of course, everyone may get anxious when asked about a sensitive topic, however if you suddenly hear your partner changing his voice when telling you what he had done the night before, it may be a sign of him lying.

  1. Too excited

We are not talking about butterflies in stomach that come with a big smile and sparkly eyes… Arousal that should raise your suspicions comes out of fear reflected in physiological cues, such as higher blood pressure, increased heart rate and respiration. Nobody wants to be caught lying that’s why liars are self-aware which may cause them to feel anxious. In the beginning of dating, when you keep physical distance, these cues are difficult to spot, however it is worth remembering them for the later stages of your relationship.

Both men and women alike may lie about themselves to seem more appealing to their date. This may seem innocent at first, yet the more people date and discover what is desirable, the more may they alter how they represent themselves to others and how comfortable with these misrepresentations they will be. The longer history of distorting the truth your partner has, the more difficult it is find out who are you truly dealing with. Yet, keep in mind that pathological liars are an exception to the rule, so don’t use this information to eliminate any prospective partner only because he/she was nervous! These tips on detecting dishonesty may help you understand how a liar’s mind works which will improve your lie detection abilities and protect you from getting involved with someone who doesn’t deserve your trust.

The Importance of Dating Around  

By Singles Events

 

In the words of Billie Holiday, “A kiss that is never tasted is forever and ever wasted.” With the hot thrills of dating, you’ll often crave to sample all the treats. This is not to say that you should gobble every desert on the table! Rather, you should select a variety of delights that interest you, and take the time to indulge in the individual flavors. When you discover a type that you genuinely like, you can then invest your time into nurturing that match.

When you date around, you get a valuable opportunity to understand more what you want and learn about your personal identity as a mate. Now you might be thinking, “wait a sec— Isn’t it sleazy to date multiple people at once?” Absolutely not!

There is definitely a stigma attached to dating multiple people because it’s often advised to focus on one individual at a time. Well, this is not necessarily a better approach. Firstly, you cannot always be certain that the person with whom you have decided to invest all your efforts is on the same page. As a result, you may be pursuing someone who is intent on blasting through her options instead of nesting with you. And that’s fine—many people prefer to browse without being a buyer. The only caution to exercise is knowing when to quit and to notice if the dates are about their needs than yours. If this is the case, you need to devise a smarter dating game plan. This means developing a more relaxed and flexible dating style that also allows you to exercise your options as well, instead of sacrificing your emotions all at once.

 

Now let’s look at the amazing benefits of experiencing many people at once.

 

Self discovery

By casually dating a few people, you’ll welcome more opportunities for self-discovery. During this process, you can date around and develop a stronger sense of what you like rather than rolling-over-backwards to be the right one for someone else. You can also learn to value yourself as a desirable and experienced dater. The bottom line is that you need to see the dating process as your opportunity to discover your needs and wants, and focus less on becoming what other people want. The more you learn about your personal dating goals and desires, the more confident you will become later on when choosing a potential mate.

 

Desirability

Dating around will also help you appear more desirable to others. This is because the best way to sell yourself as a great catch is to act like one. So, if you want to be alluring to your dates, you should give the impression that you’re already leading a fulfilling life. Whether this means you’re occupied with some glamorous job or other dates, it does not really matter—just appear busy. While you may or may not actually have these diversions, you should always create the appearance of having them. You can create this illusion by pretending to have plans on certain days of the week or taking some time between text messages ( 20-30 minutes is reasonable). While this may seem silly, people who have successful and dynamic lives will usually be too distracted to respond immediately or always be ready for plans. Overall, this active image makes you more compelling and desirable to the opposite sex.

 

Sociability

The last reason you should date around is quite simple: you can make new friends. Throughout your journey to find romance, you’ll see that not everyone clicks with you. Sometimes it can be nice to preserve friendships with these people because you can still share interests and experiences, inviting more happiness into your life. You should also remember that dates do not always have to be about sexual chemistry. Once in a while, it can just simply be fun to go out and enjoy drinks and solid conversation. Cheers!

 

With all these positive forces at work, there is no reason you should shy away from dating multiple people at once. Of course, when you meet that special one, you can consider slowing things down, but in the meantime, you need to explore. So, lay back and enjoy dating and all the great perks it has to offer! Dating around and scoping out different prospects create new and fresh experiences and we can use these moments to grow and learn more about ourselves as we muddle through the modern dating scene. Good luck and all the best!

Punching Above your Weight

By Singles Events

 

The issue of desirability with online dating can always be a tricky and sometimes awkward conversation. With the pressure to stand out among the masses of profiles, people will often lie on their profile to appear more attractive. This online misconduct can include sprucing-up a physical description or digitally enhancing a display picture with all those fancy mobile filters—all done with the intention of being contacted more. This is just wrong, deceiving and completely pointless! The harsh truth is that lying will not improve your chances of finding a relationship and will ultimately just waste the time and energy of the person who was tricked into pursuing you… Yes, tricked!

 

Some people believe a lie can be developed with “good intentions” because they are hoping their date will look past a few exaggerated details to see how great and special they are. Wrong! Newsflash– this is not reality—attraction matters and so does lying. So, not only will your date be annoyed, he or she will also be completely creeped-out!

 

With this in mind, what’s the point of enhancing your profile to get more dates if you’re not genuinely attractive to these people in the first place? If these people are pursuing you based on an initial attraction that isn’t real, the date will likely be short-lived or just plain awkward. Many people report instances where they went on a date through an online dating site, and discovered that that their date lied about height or body type—apparently 5’7 can mean 5’2!? While these accounts seem shallow and harsh, the ugly truth is that you cannot charm someone into liking you after deceiving them online. Not only will they be turned off by your blatant dishonesty, they will also place less trust and credibility into online dating, essentially ruining the whole process for everyone else.

 

So, instead of presenting yourself differently on your dating profile, you should try to understand why you might feel tempted to do this. If you feel pressured to bend the truth, you might have to start questioning whether you’re implementing all the right strategies to make yourself attractive in real life. Perhaps there are some changes that must be made, so you can feel more confident about your personal attractiveness. This is not to say that you need to fit a cliché or standard of desirability. However, you may want to consider improving some of your assets to make yourself feel like a stronger candidate for online dating.

Ultimately, you want someone to pursue you, while knowing you were being your true self. This way, you’ll know that the attraction is mutual and the whole process is clean-cut and truthful. After all, the most promising start to a relationship is when the first date begins with honesty and nothing less.

Useful Do’s and Don’ts for a Perfect Online Dating Profile

By Singles Events

When it comes to online dating, creating a dazzling online persona is absolutely crucial. No matter how great you are offline, you need to be amazing online to make a difference in the digital world. So, here are a few tips and tricks to make your perfect profil!

DON’T : Use overly Photoshopped pictures of yourself

Online dating gives you the opportunity to focus on your strong suites and delicately conceal your flaws. But while embellishing a bit here and there is entirely acceptable, you should never hide behind convenient lies, because the truth has a nasty habit of coming out when you least expect it.

The best possible example for these “convenient lies” we get wrapped up in is using overly edited pictures of ourselves on the dating profile. This is a bad idea because it might make you appeal to the wrong crowd and even if all goes well and you get to go on a date with you cyber crush, he/she might be disappointed that you are not who you promised to be.

DO: Use your best (recent) pictures

If you’re building your online dating profile and you realize that you’re out of good pictures of yourself, don’t panic! As tempting as it might be, don’t open that folder from five years ago when you were 10 pounds slimmer. That’s almost like Catfishing and you know it!

Instead, you can try taking some brand new photos. You can even make a night out of it! Call some friends over and put on your favorite dress. Get your hair done, put on makeup and snap away until you get that perfect profile picture!

DON’T: Use steamy pictures of yourself (unless you’re looking to hookup)

People who use pictures of themselves in their bathing suits or lingerie for their online dating profiles send out a very clear message. They need to be aware of that, so that they know what to expect.

If what you’re looking to get from online dating is a hot fling, then this might be one way of doing it, but bear in mind that some things should be left to the imagination.

DO: Use pictures that you are comfortable with

If some of your most flattering pictures make you cringe, that is a sign that you should probably not upload them to your online dating profile. Being comfortable with the pictures you put up is a minimum requirement.

Make a selection of the best pictures of yourself and choose those that you really like and that express your personality.

DON’T: Be vague or overly professional

Writing that perfect online dating profile is hard work, so you need to wait until you actually feel inspired to complete it. You don’t want one of those profile that has pictures and almost no written information, because there are people out there who are struggling to get to know you.

Focus on your hobbies and interests, rather than your professional background. While your job is definitely something you should mention, try to make it more about yourself, your wishes and desires, rather than your career.

DO: Be sincere and have fun with it

Building an online dating profile might prove to be even more complicated than writing you resume. Don’t over think the information you put into it because it’s going to end up sounding weird.

Instead, try to write your profile when you’re in a good mood, so that you can transmit that through your words. Make it easy to read, rather than overly complicated, and have fun with it!

Image Sources: 1, 2

 

Online Dating After 30

By Singles Events

Once you blow your 30 perfectly-arranged candles, you cease to be a ‘twenty-something year-old’ and enter a completely new stage of your life. Things like crazy parties, hooking up with unknown dudes (or dudettes) and taking three shots of tequila one after the other suddenly sound less appealing. Your mind is puzzled by important questions related to marriage, career fulfilment and kids.

“There’s this really unique thing that happens in your thirties. You really begin refining and enriching your life, and gaining career traction so you are where you want to be in your forties.” – Psychologist Kristen Carpenter, PhD

That sounds great, doctor Kristen, but what am I supposed to do if I’m still single? Dating in your thirties is hard. Heck, even when I was in my twenties dating felt uncomfortable and awkward. Nevertheless, I keep coming back to my Tinder and online dating profiles because the idea of growing old with three cat companions just isn’t my kind of happily ever after. When you’re in your 30s, the rules and expectations of dating are completely different, so if you want to get back into the game, here’s my advice:

1. Own Up to Yourself

You have been on this planet for over thirty years. You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not anymore. You are who you are, and that’s it. If you feel like embellishing your profile or presenting yourself as something you’re not, please don’t. This façade will crack into a million pieces sooner or later. One of the things I love most about being in my thirties is the fact that saying no to the things I don’t like has become so much easier.

2. Bluntness is King

When you’re in your twenties, it’s all about the game, but once you hit the thirties mark, you no longer have time for trivialities. Want to go out with that guy? Want to send her a text right after the date? Want to stop seeing that chick? Stop beating around the bush. Just say it.

3. Don’t Hold out for Perfection

After having waited so long for that perfect someone you’re can’t just settle, right? Wrong. If you’ve been on the prowl for Mr. (or Mrs.) right for more than ten years, but haven’t find him/her yet, well, that’s because he/she doesn’t exist.

“You’re not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense. This girl you met, she isn’t perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each-other. That’s what intimacy is all about.” – Robin Williams, Good Will Hunting

Compromising isn’t the same as settling, but as you will probably find out sooner or later, you have to let some frivolous things go if you really want make a relationship work.

4. Shut up Already

I went on a date with a Tinder guy recently. My God, he wouldn’t stop talking. He basically shared his whole life story with me in less than an hour. If you’re the type of person who overshares, you need to stop. Don’t talk about marriage and children from the first date. People need to earn the privilege of hearing your story. Listening has become some sort of lost art that very few people can master. If you want a meaningful relationship listen more than you talk, be genuine and humble.

5. Quickly Ditch the Dead-Ends

I’m pretty sure you’ve met your fair share of people who have been archived in the ‘Never-Again’ or ‘What Was I Thinking?’ folders of your mind. You know what you want from a partner and you don’t have the time to fix someone else’s daddy issues. That’s perfectly fine. The last thing you need in your life right now is a toxic relationship.

You can definitely find love after 30, but you need to set clearer boundaries, be honest to yourself and redefine your priorities. Hopefully my advice will help.

How to Approach Girls Online without Looking like a Creep

By Singles Events

In the fast paced world of online dating, there is no room for mistakes; and looking like a creep is almost always a deal breaker, so release your inhibitions and try to say what you mean instead of what you think girls would want to hear.

Step 1. Always read the girl’s profile

There you are in you PJs at home browsing online profiles, when all of a sudden you see this very cute girl. You click away through her pictures and you simply cannot take your eyes off her.

Naturally, you realize that you simply have to talk to her and you click the message box and type in “Hi!”. Then, there’s this blank in your head because you have no idea what to say to her because you know absolutely nothing about her.

At this point, you have two choices; you can keep on writing some generic question like “How are you?” or you can actually go back and read the girl’s profile.

All the information you need is right there! You can find out who she is and what her hobbies and preferences are and then, you can definitely come up with something better than “How are you?”

She is bound to appreciate that you spent the time reading her profile and will be tempted to read more about you. A little bit might go a long way in this case.

Step 2. Take a hint…

So you found your girl, you did your homework and you wrote her a message that you’re proud of. This is the full extent of your first move. If she likes you, she will definitely write back, but if she doesn’t, then that’s it.

No matter how pretty she is, no matter how perfect she might seem because she loves the same movies and computer games that you do, do not write to her again under any circumstance! You can go from “sweet for trying” to “creep” in a second, so cut your losses and move on!

Also, try not to obsess over her and start checking her profile on a daily basis, because there are some sites out there that show her who’s been visiting her profile and you could get yourself in a very embarrassing situation.

Step 3. Keep the conversation playful and just the right amount of flirty

If she does write back, you’ve got it made! Well, almost. It definitely does mean that she’s interested and it’s up to you to show her that you are dating material.

Don’t be a chatterbox when talking to her, try to keep up with the pace that she sets. If she writes one message and you reply with seven, then you are clearly doing something wrong!

Be playful and subtlety flirty, and avoid being cheesy. Before pressing send, ask yourself if any of the guys from The Big Band Theory or Barney Stinson would say what you wrote to her and if the answer is yes, then delete, delete, delete! She doesn’t know you well enough to know that you might mean some things sarcastically.

Step 4. Get to know her before you ask her out

If you want her to say yes to date, then you have to make her curious to know you. Talk to her for a few days and make her get used to receiving messages from you. When she starts writing you first, that is the perfect time to ask her out for a coffee.

Again, you have to know to take hint at this point, but if she says yes, then you’re in for a romantic evening!

 

Avoiding Online Dating Disappointment

By Singles Events

Online dating can sometimes feel a bit daunting since you’ll never know 100% who you’re talking to or whether their profile is truly accurate. To help prevent these online dating blunders, this article will carefully guide you through this process, saving you time and energy. However, you should keep in mind that there are no quick magic tricks for successful online dating, but only some practical rules to help you find the right person.

1. Don’t put all your eggs into one basket

As the age-old saying goes, you should not invest all your attention into one person– at least not at the beginning. This does not imply that you should date ten different people at once. It also does not mean you should create a dozen dating profiles and select open relationship on your status. Yet, you should consider the possibility that the person who you’ve decided is going to get 100% of your attention might not feel the same way and could very well be juggling multiple dates. In fact, the chances of this occurrence are quite probably in the online dating scene since people can easily access several conversions at once. This is why it’s irresponsible to invest all your energy into one person before the relationship status is official. It’s important to stop and consider whether the other person shares your feelings before jumping forward.

2. Make sure you know the signs

Profile

Having a bad profile is like having a bad resume. Would you hire this person to spend time with them? It’s important to study people’s dating profiles and learn how to read between the lines! For example, if you see loads of spelling mistakes and vague content that is poorly written, you may question that person’s level of commitment to finding genuine love. Also, if you notice any negativity or complaints about the past, you can assume the person may be carrying baggage.

General

Another common sign that should steer you away is if the person is always online. Perhaps, you’ll want to ask yourself why they’re always online and how sincere their intentions are for dating. Quality online daters will usually log on briefly a couple times a day during the week and on weekends, they might not even log on. So, you can assume people who are chronically online may be juggling their options instead of seeking an authentic connection.

Photos

The photo can say a lot about the person’s approach to dating. For instance, a drunken blurry photo or topless beach photo may indicate that the person is not taking online dating seriously. Here are some other factors to watch out for:

1.Old photos that misrepresent the person’s current appearance. There are simple ways to check if this is the case. For instance, if they’re in a photo taken overseas, you can casually ask them when they were there last.

2. Photos that are cropped to reveal just the person’s head may indicate that they’re hiding something.

3. Strange angle selfie photos, especially ones taken from over the head and from an angle. This perspective can give a false impression of the person’s attractiveness.

Two step screen process

There is a simple two-step process for screening potential crazies or frauds. First, you can determine someone’s sanity by engaging in conversation before asking him or her on a date. Then, if you like what you’re learning about the person, you can politely ask if they have more photos: “Hey I was just wondering if you have any more photos? You’ve only got selfless haha”… Chances are if you ask nicely, they will agree! If they become angry or offended by the question, they may be hiding information. This will help you avoid people with fake profiles.

Important!

Watch out for people who get offended easily or are quick to become angry or judgmental, especially in a non-playful way. Remember that friends are meant to make us feel good about ourselves. So, if someone is making you feel uncomfortable, block this person fast!

 

3. Ignoring your intuition

Have you ever been on a date only to find out this person is nothing like you imagined? This is probably one the most common problems in online dating because it’s essentially dating in reverse, yes that’s right, online dating is dating in reverse. Usually, when you meet someone, you go on a date or a few, and then slowly start finding out if this person is right for you. However, when you’re dating online, you can talk for as long as a month, fall for the person’s personality and then realize that they’re not for you only after you’ve met them! The problem is that it’s too easy to create a false personality using online dating because users can carefully plan out their replies or Photoshop their pictures. This is why its better to arrange a Skype or phone call before meeting. Ultimately, the better your screening skills become, the better your dating experience will be and the less time you will wasted on sub-par dates. Plus, you can also consider the amount of money you’ll save because multiple dating can be expensive with drinks, transportation and time.

4.Taking it personally

Never lose sleep over an unsuccessful experience. If someone does not feel the same way, that issue is with them and not with you. The reality is that dating is not like buying a dog that loves us regardless– humans are far more complex. Also, the reasons for a failed effort can be endless: maybe they’ve met someone else, maybe you weren’t their match, or maybe you weren’t tall enough or short enough. Who knows? It doesn’t matter. What does matter is being the best possible person you can be, and spread positive energy to those you meet. In the end, if you keep taking everything personally, you’ll just feel frustrated and held back from growing through the dating process.

5. Not being prepared

Part of being a successful dater is being prepared. This means you must avoid ruts like falling into a slum, letting yourself go physically or not feeling stable when signing up for an online dating site. These types of behaviours will leave you feeling vulnerable. As mentioned in our first article, “ 5 steps for dating success”, we discussed personal development. You need to market yourself as a likeable person when entering the wild realm of online dating to fulfil your search for love. Yet, this does not mean you should avoid online dating, but rather you need to ne mentally and emotionally healthy before entering this experience.

6. Do not be “best friends” before you meet

When dating online, you should never jump into a crazy escapade of late night phone calls and constant texts right away. Sometimes when people leap at hyper-speed into the BFF territory, they become shocked and extremely disappointed when they realize they are no longer attracted. Now, there is nothing wrong with connecting with someone before you meet– who knows, it might turn out well. But, if you want to minimize disappointment, you must consider all possibilities. Ask your self, “what if?” and factor in the likelihood that it might not work out. You don’t want to waste your time on a relationship that will never move beyond a friendly partnership.